Eight Eighteen

8-18

It’s our day.

And, this year we did something we didn’t do last year.. Spent it together.

Happily.

Crazy, thought I know.

Last year I remember almost every hour of the day. Every moment, every detail. Because it suuuucked, to put it bluntly. I remember waking up the normal time (Still dark out.. think..three am) to be instantly sick to my stomach. Lay on the floor in the kitchen because it was cold and I was sweaty from nerves. Check facebook to see if he was on last night. Check the phone records to see who he talked to before he went to bed. I was crazy. I’ll admit it. I bought a ticket, and set up camp in crazy town.. I’ll own it.

I remember going to his mom’s and begging on my knees for him to come home. Not my proudest moment. But I’m just being real. Begging turned into screaming, which turned into crying which turned into “Want to see crazy? I’ll show you crazy”

Yeah. I’m telling you. I was a mess

Sometimes I don’t know why I still talk about this and share such intimate details. Embarrassing ones at that, but then when I get another email in my box.. and another.. and another. And, I so badly want to give hope to someone who feels as lost as I did. I remember– It’s not over. It’s still a work in progress and if I’m going to move forward I can’t forget about the ugly.. the mess. the crazy girl. Without that mess I wouldn’t be who I am today. Who we are today.  That it’s nothing short of a miracle from God that we’re exactly where we’re at today.

I’m not saying that every marriage will work out in situations similar. Absolutely not, everyone has their limit and they know in their heart what they can forgive and what they can’t. Taking the rough road piecing back together a marriage that was in crumbles is no easy task. But there is hope. Hope in God, that ol’ help me prayer.

Surrendering prayer.

I’m not in control over here! Help me! I’m giving it to you! We messed up. Fix this.

Because you know, on my own. I wouldn’t have forgiven it. Forgiven that heartache. I still need help daily actually. I’ll think of something and it’s like a sting, like touching a hot dish out of the oven. But it heals–the hurt heals if you’re open to it.

This post was a little crazy. All over the place.

In a nutshell–

God works miracles, I’m living it.

Dear Jared,

You’re remarkable not only because you’re very handsome and make me laugh until I have to sit down or I’ll pee. But, also because you let me share our ugly to the world and never tell me to knock it off. You have so much good in you. You’re the perfect example for the girls on what a husband should be. I wouldn’t change a thing about you, about our story, about this year.. I wouldn’t take any of it back. Here’s to the next 100 or so.

I love you.