Goodbye 2013

First off, I want to thank each and every one of you who has sent emails, comments and messages checking up on me since my little absence. I wanted to give myself time to really *REALLY* be sure I wanted to share what’s going on in my life, and do so without tears in my eyes.

I can’t promise I wont have tears in my eyes though, but go with it.

I have always been open about the struggles that life has brought our way, whether it be our marriage, family life, bills, anything really. I’m not ashamed to admit that things aren’t perfect in this little world of mine– because the internet lies, and it sends out a message that everyone else has this beautiful life full of happiness, perfect magazine homes, and every project made from toilet paper rolls turns into golden pinterest worthy wall art.

That’s not life. Life isn’t always sunshine, sometimes there is rain, and lots of it.

Right now– there’s rain.

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A few months ago (Sometimes it feels like days, sometimes years. Time kind of stands still when life is thrown for a loop) my husband decided that he just couldn’t do this anymore. And, I’ll be very very very honest with y’all.. God left my life at that very moment. I had a lot.. a LOT of hate. Because I stopped searching for my happiness in Him, and I felt I could only find that happiness through Jared. He was all I knew– he WAS my happiness right? I mean, 12 years is a long time to invest in someone.

I had friends pray for me, pray with me, days when my Mother literally had to drag me out of bed at 3 in the afternoon. Most of November was a blur, I can’t tell you how I got my children to school, who I called– (well I know I called a lot of friends, sometimes at 3 am and they so graciously answered the phone, with a yawn.. and let me sob. Scream, dwell, and over analyze the same situation I had been analyzing for weeks True friends are there when you’re a real mess.. And, for them I’ll be forever grateful), what I ate (when I remembered to. Seriously best/worst diet of my life.) but yet I somehow did all of these things.

God. God made me do these things. It was as if I went into a trance and the simplest things that you take for granted doing every day.. You stop doing them, and He just makes sure you make it out alive. Almost 40 lbs lighter, less hair, bags under your eyes.. but alive.

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I wish I could say that I’m past the point of “What the f*ck just happened” (Sorry Mom.) Because it was so, so very unexpected. But I guess that’s life right? I mean, I don’t hold the future and giving up control of it has been by FAR the hardest part of it for me. Not being able to fix the situation myself. Not being able to ‘love’ someone back to you. Not being able to make the bad parts of the situation go away. It’s definitely been a test of who I am. Who I’m supposed to be.

And, because I’ve had conversations with so many of you who are going through something similar, and maybe you’ve made it to my blog because of previous posts on marriage, considering almost 3 years later it’s still one of my top posts. Let me just tell you. It sucks. But, it does get better. A little bit every day. I held on for probably too long, romanticizing what we’ve had for over a decade because I refused to see anything besides the good.

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I will *never* forget the day that I finally woke up. I told myself I would fight like hell for my marriage until it was time to fight for myself.. and then one day I woke up.. and it was gone. The drive to hold on, the crippling fear of the future, I remember the day I realized I forgot what he smelled like and even though I needed a good hour to cry on the bathroom floor..because I had once LOVED what he smelled like– my mind was beginning to protect me.  God was waking me up. I could finally quit focusing on what I did wrong to make him not want me– not want us– not want our future and just realize: I was me. I still love the idea of love. I still want so badly to be apart of SOMETHING with someone. I’m not afraid to tell someone how I feel. Tell my friends I love the hell out of them… Tell someone when they make me sad. Show my kids that love is real, and that you can be so unbelievably happy with someone that you’ll have butterflies in your stomach forever. It’s possible. I have faith in it. There is so much good out there, so much good. And, I want to take it all in.

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I know I’ll have people disagree with my choice to put this out there. And, really I gave the G version and I have nothing to be ashamed of. Life is tough. Marriage is so hard. Divorce sucks. I wouldn’t wish the pain on anyone, but you will survive. You will thrive. You will come out so much stronger, because you only HAVE one life. You get one shot at this life, don’t spend it with someone who can’t see your worth. God places people in your life for a reason, no doubt. But sometimes he puts them there as a lesson, not to be your forever.

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Comments

  1. says

    I was so glad to see a post from you but hate hate hate you have had to go through so much. I feel I know where you are and can share some of your feeling. I have often wondered WHY? Life can be so unfair at times. What I have learned is that Life moves on and I have often felt that I’m so much better for having had to go through hell to get to a good place. Living this life is better if you include God in your day every day. I have always known this but haven’t always trusted this. I pray that 2014 brings nothing but joy and laughter to you and your girls!

  2. says

    Just wanna give you a giant hug. I’m sorry this is going on in your life but I love it that you still have faith in love (and God). You are such a strong person and God has good things for you and your girls. Love ya! xo

  3. says

    Oh girl my heart breaks for you. I hate that you are going through this. As hard as it seems there will be light I PROMISE. I am living proof. You may not see the purpose now, but it will be known. I am here if you EVER need to talk. LOVE YOU!

  4. says

    I can only imagine how you are feeling…and I don’t like it! I really admire your bravery, your honesty, and your ability to have faith during a difficult time. I will say a prayer for you that 2014 will surpass your expectations and be incredibly happy for you & your daughters.

  5. Francine says

    You are so brave and strong. Not just to write about something so personal, but to recognize your worth, realize what you want, and be brave enough to say it and believe it. I was with my ex for 8 years (since I was 18, yikes!) and it was so hard to imagine a different future for my son and I than the one I’d imagined. But I knew I wanted more, better, the kind of love you wrote about. And that I deserved it. My ex wasn’t a horrible person, we were just not meant to be. I knew I would rather be alone than be unhappy with him. And I knew that everything happens for a reason and is part of God’s plan. I have my amazing son and I’ve also learned what I do and don’t want in a relationship. A hard lesson, but so valuable. I hope that you continue to grow stronger and be the person you are meant to be, regardless of who you are with (or aren’t). That’s the same hope I have for myself. (P.S. Sooo sorry for the novel, this just really hit home)

  6. Laura M says

    May God bless you and your family in this difficult time. I’ve been in your EXACT shoes and you will survive. One foot in front of the other, day by day.

  7. Kelsey says

    I am still in the “fight like hell to save my marriage” stage. Even got a tattoo to that effect. I am scared to death that I will end up where you are. I pray I can be as you are if/when it happens.

  8. Bridgit says

    I applaud you – life is not perfect. So many try so hard to fake it and make it seem perfect – they are trying to convince themselves and everyone else. You described my life in 2010…the ups and the downs …the anger …the questions and then yes…one day you feel better…you feel stronger …you feel like yourself again …you realize the good Lord was right there with you each step of the way… preparing you for what He has planned. Happy 2014!!!

  9. says

    First, just plain thank you for sharing. There are people out there who are going to find this and think oh thank God I am not alone it is not just me.

    And second, I’m so sorry you’ve been hurting. Following your pics on Instagram I’ve been thinking dang, she’s getting skinny and I had this weird feeling something was up.

    Best wishes for 2014 – every day is gonna get better and better.I just know it.

  10. Carol says

    I love you. We’ve never met but I know in my heart all our spirits are one in THE Spirit, God. I experienced your exact pain. Out of nowhere. Stunned, betrayed. Bewildered that he could just decide me and our babies and our wonderful marriage just weren’t ‘doing it’ for him. The ONE thing i pray for you is that you realize; you are lovable and beautiful enough and good enough. Our fear that somehow we were not ENOUGH will send you into a downward spiral of searching and desperation. You are more than enough. I am putting my prayer arms around you and i will be praying for your return of joy and peace with yourself.

  11. Karen in Texas says

    Oh Rachelle – I really prayed a while back that yall would make it. God has a much better, bigger plan for you and your girls. Just trust in Him, lean on Him, and cry out to Him. Wake up in the morning and somehow just find Joy…even if it is one little old thing to smile about, just do it..sending you a big ole hug from Texas !!

  12. Shari says

    I randomly stumbled across this post, well I shouldn’t say randomly, God certainly led me. I have just come out of a 13 year relationship, 8 years of marriage with 1 amazing 3 year old. Everything you said I experienced and felt, what seemed like from nowhere, the grief, the pain experienced to get through. Thank you for posting this, it’s motivating and inspiring, perfect timing to have come across it. Thank you, more than I can say xxx

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