Letting Go

I’ve been trying to keep mum since January about my whole family situation, out of respect to the parties involved and all.. Plus.. A home decor blog…? Emotions..? Sometimes there’s a fine line and it’s confusing and risky to share too much. But, I also like to connect with y’all, and I know I’m not the only one who has walked this road, and I’m not the only one who will.. So.. here goes.

Tomorrow is *huge* for my family. Huge.

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After thirteen long, sometimes amazing years.. sometimes awful years.. I’m going to walk into a court room with the man who used to be my best friend and have the state of Michigan tell us we aren’t married anymore.

It’s a really weird feeling. Today it was almost like I could hear the clock ticking.. The day dragged while I tried to keep myself busy so I wouldn’t dwell on it, and at the same time I blinked and it was gone. The last day as Mrs. Czuk gone. So bizarre right? Wanting something to get here and get over with, and biting my nails because.. Wait? Didn’t this just happen? Weren’t we just laughing about how crazy our kids were and planning the house we wanted to build? We didn’t even finish the t.v shows we had DVR’d…. What the crap? This is a joke right? A dream? He was JUST HERE? 

I recently read this article on Momastery, and it really hit home. I struggle so much with failure. I can’t stand it, I’m absolutely a sore loser, I get angry when I can’t do something I feel should be easy for me to do. Like, I don’t know.. Marriage? ha. But I’m trying every day to see it a little differently.

Is it really a failure to stand up for yourself? Is it really a failure to try like HELL to fight for something, and then decide that you yourself is worth fighting for more? That proving to your girls that love is a powerful, powerful thing, and shouldn’t hurt, shouldn’t be something you have to ASK for?

Sometimes it’s just taking that step. Getting up off the bathroom floor and standing up. Saying, today I wont cry. Today I’ll fight for me. Today I’ll smile. Today I’ll show *every* person in my life how much they mean to me. That they matter. That life is still beautiful, just different now.

Different is okay. Scary, but okay.

It’s not a failure when you make it out alive… When you survive the storm…

“It takes a lot of courage to release the familiar and seemingly secure, to embrace the new. But there is no real security in what is no longer meaningful. There is more security in the adventurous and exciting, for in movement there is life, and in change there is power.”

Comments

  1. says

    I’m so glad you shared this. There are so many women who don’t know if they can, or THAT they can decide to take care of their own hearts. Reading this just may put the light on for one of them. Hurt sucks, *and* I’m excited for your future. You’ve shown your girls a great thing – a woman who’s strong enough to take the hard road. To love herself. To choose happiness. They’re blessed to have you as their mom. Best wishes to you, dearest.

  2. says

    you are brave and strong and important and worthy and courageous. thinking of you today and sending you strength and love as you embark on your new adventure!

    xoxo

  3. says

    Chin up – YOU are an amazing person AND mom. You have fought a good fight and are on a winning track, just look for your victories in other ways. They are there. Look at those 2 amazing girls – look at your amazing extended family – look at your blog & it’s success……..
    You ARE a winner girl! Your glass is half full, not half empty!

  4. says

    Hugs to you. I’m so sorry you’re going through this and I will be thinking of you and your daughters. Your blog community and family and friends will lift you up. And those that leave a gap in your life, you’ll find that others will gladly fill it. This is a major shift in your life, but it is a huge opportunity for you to become aware of your own feelings, and what makes you truly happy. xo

  5. says

    You are going to be a-ok and I think it’s amazing that you’ve shared as much as you have. A different chapter is coming, for sure, but a good one.

  6. says

    How could anyone give up such a beautiful family? I hope you find someone who appreciates the strong, loyal and wise woman you are at such a young age. God bless you and your girls!
    Linda

  7. says

    There is a saying. If you are by yourself and miserable, you have hope. BUT if you are married and miserable, then no hope. Here’s a toast to hope…to the future…to what this glorious world has in store for you and your beautiful girls. It may feel like things are ending, but embrace this: your journey, your amazing journey, is just beginning!

  8. Lena says

    You’re right. Your story is like so many others just like you. I, too, felt the failure you speak of. I, too, wanted better for myself and my 2 girls. I wanted my girls to know love should never hurt. A wise friend told me, “It’s better to come from a broken home than to live in one.” Hearing those words was like a big ah ha moment for me. Today, 7 years later, we are stronger, have more fun, and just enjoy life more than ever. Thanks for sharing such a private part of you.

  9. Soho says

    cry,just let the tears flow this is not your failiure just changing direction on the road of life.you’lle make it, because i know it Love from France

  10. says

    Hi Rachelle. It’s ok İt’s just ok as it is. There is no use to fight and struggle, there is no failure never ever. Everything is experience only. Teach yourself to look back at what you experienced through all of this. Look at how it makes you richer and deeper, a person who owns much more perspectives of life than before. You are able to offer broader look at life than ever before. Thank yourself and your ex-husband for all that you have learned about yourself, your strength and fears, and about you positioning yourself in life’s flow. Be grateful to be able to move on and having these wonderful kids. The rest will follow… I went through divorc e twice, am in my third partnership now and would always marry again ;) Because this all formed the woman I am now. Even my healing myself from cancer. I can look back on a really LIVED life and that makes me the stunning woman I am now. I wish you that you will be able to embrace the wonderful woman you are, with everything you have experienced that gives your soul such a profound texture. With love, Silvia

  11. says

    What a post, every single word, well stated. It was very brave of you to share your emotions and I just want to say that you are worth it. Many women use their marriage as a badge of perfection, even if it’s broken glass that cuts behind the scene, it’s a security blanket. So very brave of you to fight for you, today and always. Wishing you all the best from PA. http://www.pinterest.com/pin/15833036165276174/).

  12. says

    You dont know me, but I met you very briefly at Haven. This post touched my heart in a major way. I myself am twice divorced…twice! Youd think id got it after the first time, but nope. This is my life and im happy and proud of it. It is what has shaped me into the person I am and had I not gone through it, I wouldnt know the joy of discovering the person I look at in the mirror everyday. Alot of people look at divorce as a failure or as a weakness…sometimes its the most powerful display of strength. I wish you a heart and mind filled with peace and renewal. Here’s to wonderful future! Hugs from Cali:)

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