First off, I want to thank each and every one of you who has sent emails, comments and messages checking up on me since my little absence. I wanted to give myself time to really *REALLY* be sure I wanted to share what’s going on in my life, and do so without tears in my eyes.
I can’t promise I wont have tears in my eyes though, but go with it.
I have always been open about the struggles that life has brought our way, whether it be our marriage, family life, bills, anything really. I’m not ashamed to admit that things aren’t perfect in this little world of mine– because the internet lies, and it sends out a message that everyone else has this beautiful life full of happiness, perfect magazine homes, and every project made from toilet paper rolls turns into golden pinterest worthy wall art.
That’s not life. Life isn’t always sunshine, sometimes there is rain, and lots of it.
Right now– there’s rain.
A few months ago (Sometimes it feels like days, sometimes years. Time kind of stands still when life is thrown for a loop) my husband decided that he just couldn’t do this anymore. And, I’ll be very very very honest with y’all.. God left my life at that very moment. I had a lot.. a LOT of hate. Because I stopped searching for my happiness in Him, and I felt I could only find that happiness through Jared. He was all I knew– he WAS my happiness right? I mean, 12 years is a long time to invest in someone.
I had friends pray for me, pray with me, days when my Mother literally had to drag me out of bed at 3 in the afternoon. Most of November was a blur, I can’t tell you how I got my children to school, who I called– (well I know I called a lot of friends, sometimes at 3 am and they so graciously answered the phone, with a yawn.. and let me sob. Scream, dwell, and over analyze the same situation I had been analyzing for weeks True friends are there when you’re a real mess.. And, for them I’ll be forever grateful), what I ate (when I remembered to. Seriously best/worst diet of my life.) but yet I somehow did all of these things.
God. God made me do these things. It was as if I went into a trance and the simplest things that you take for granted doing every day.. You stop doing them, and He just makes sure you make it out alive. Almost 40 lbs lighter, less hair, bags under your eyes.. but alive.
I wish I could say that I’m past the point of “What the f*ck just happened” (Sorry Mom.) Because it was so, so very unexpected. But I guess that’s life right? I mean, I don’t hold the future and giving up control of it has been by FAR the hardest part of it for me. Not being able to fix the situation myself. Not being able to ‘love’ someone back to you. Not being able to make the bad parts of the situation go away. It’s definitely been a test of who I am. Who I’m supposed to be.
And, because I’ve had conversations with so many of you who are going through something similar, and maybe you’ve made it to my blog because of previous posts on marriage, considering almost 3 years later it’s still one of my top posts. Let me just tell you. It sucks. But, it does get better. A little bit every day. I held on for probably too long, romanticizing what we’ve had for over a decade because I refused to see anything besides the good.
I will *never* forget the day that I finally woke up. I told myself I would fight like hell for my marriage until it was time to fight for myself.. and then one day I woke up.. and it was gone. The drive to hold on, the crippling fear of the future, I remember the day I realized I forgot what he smelled like and even though I needed a good hour to cry on the bathroom floor..because I had once LOVED what he smelled like– my mind was beginning to protect me. God was waking me up. I could finally quit focusing on what I did wrong to make him not want me– not want us– not want our future and just realize: I was me. I still love the idea of love. I still want so badly to be apart of SOMETHING with someone. I’m not afraid to tell someone how I feel. Tell my friends I love the hell out of them… Tell someone when they make me sad. Show my kids that love is real, and that you can be so unbelievably happy with someone that you’ll have butterflies in your stomach forever. It’s possible. I have faith in it. There is so much good out there, so much good. And, I want to take it all in.
I know I’ll have people disagree with my choice to put this out there. And, really I gave the G version and I have nothing to be ashamed of. Life is tough. Marriage is so hard. Divorce sucks. I wouldn’t wish the pain on anyone, but you will survive. You will thrive. You will come out so much stronger, because you only HAVE one life. You get one shot at this life, don’t spend it with someone who can’t see your worth. God places people in your life for a reason, no doubt. But sometimes he puts them there as a lesson, not to be your forever.